Prototitle

[RobSp1derp1g]

Guys, this is my newest story, please tell me what you think.

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He was walking the bright streets of Jubilife City, the city lights hitting his face.

“Seriously, guys, we should try and find a Pokémon Center to spend the night in. If I take another step, I'm gonna faint.” The boy commented.

“Yeah, we should, Ash, but we can’t find any around here.” A blue-haired girl replied, looking over to her friend. “Brock, where is the Pokémon Center?”

Brock, the former Gym Leader of Pewter City, was trying to locate the Pokémon Center on a map, but he was failing due to the city lights blinking uninterruptedly.

“I can’t find it, Dawn, I need a constant source of light to see the map.” Brock said, lowering his head.

“Maybe Pikachu’s sparks will...”Ash suggested before he was interrupted.

“Guys, look! There it is!” Dawn nearly screamed at the boys, pointing to their right.

Sure enough, the Pokémon Center was there, to their right, but without the characteristic light that should come from such a building.

As they entered the Center, the always happy Nurse Joy promptly acknowledged them.

“Hello, and welcome to the Pokémon Center.” She greeted them with a smile. “First of all, I would like to apologize for the electrical sign. We had a shortage this afternoon, and the technician is only available tomorrow. Would you like a room for the night?”

“It's okay, don't worry about it. And yes, thank you, Nurse Joy.“ Ash replied.

“Nurse Joy! My passion for you burns with the intensity of a thousand suns. And I… wait… something’s not right…” Brock started to declare his “usual” love for Nurse Joy when he noticed that something was missing.

“What do you mean, Brock?” Ash’s curiosity was peaked.

“Croagunk didn’t Poison Jab me.” Brock remarked, confused. “It usually does after I, you know, do my thing. But it didn’t right now…”

“I know why, Brock.” Dawn interjected, with a knowing smile.

“You do?” Brock looked over to his female travelling companion, and noticed his Pokémon beside her.

“Yeah,” she said, “you were quoting Shakespeare.”

“I was?” Brock commented on the fact that he knew about William Shakespeare’s work. “I saw that line on a movie…”

“Oh, ” Dawn replied, surprised “okay, then… Croagunk, do your job.”

Obeying his trainer’s friend’s command, Croagunk Poison Jabbed Brock on the lower back.

As Brock was being dragged away, quite literally, Ash and Dawn could only chuckle at their lovelorn friend.

“Sorry, I didn’t quite get your names.” Nurse Joy said, slightly embarrassed.

“It’s okay, I’m Ash Ketchum from Pallet Town.” Ash introduced himself.

“And I’m Dawn. I’m from Twinleaf Town.” Dawn did the same.

“Ash Ketchum? I have a letter for you.” Nurse Joy announced, handing him the letter.

“A letter?” Ash commented while looking at the letter. The letters P.o.t.W. were shown as the sender. A small symbol that looked like a half a sun with its rays stretching over the upper half of the image. A small droplet of water was drawn in the paper.

“P. O. T. W.? Who is that? Some kind of band?” Ash remarked.

“No, Ash, look closely, the ‘o’ and the ‘t’ are small. And I think I’ve seen that symbol before…” Brock noted.

“Man, you’re quick.” Dawn joked. Brock just smiled back.

“Well, Ash, why don’t you open it? That way you’ll know who it is from.” Dawn interjected.

“Good idea, Dawn!” Ash proceeded to open the letter and to read its contents.

Dear Ash,

You may not remember us, but we sure do remember you and your girlfriend, as well as your other friends.

We need to talk to you. As soon as you get this letter, call this number: (44)9272132.

Oh, and your ”child” is back.

#490

Sincerely,
PotW

“Well, I’m still clueless. I guess I have to call them, whoever they are.” Ash said, walking to the videophones.

As soon as he sat down next to the videophone, he dialed the number on the letter. An old man with white beard and a green T-shirt showed up.

“Hello?” The man asked.

“Shep! It’s been a long time.” Ash said to Shep, the man on the phone.

“Ash, hello, I didn’t expect you to call so soon. I only sent the letters yesterday.”Shep commented.

“Letters? You mean you sent more than one?” Ash was intrigued.

“Yeah, I sent one to you, one to your girlfriend, and one to your other two friends.”Shep announced.

“Wait, wait, wait… Girlfriend?”

“Yeah, May (as soon as Shep said this, a small blue entity started moving towards Shep’s videophone). Isn’t she your girlfriend?”

“No. I like May, but not like that. At least I don’t think I do...” A small blush appeared on Ash’s face.

“Mana!” A voice was heard.

“What?”Ash was oblivious to the third participant of the call.

“Hey, Ash. Remember this little guy?” Shep said, showing Ash the small Pokémon.

“Manaphy?” Ash was quite amazed by Manaphy’s presence, because he was supposed to be guarding the Sea Temple.

“Yup, it’s him. He’s back.” Shep remarked.

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Okay, guys, what do you think?
There is more where this came from.
And yes, I know, it need description. BADLY.

[Justicez17]

Since you asked for our opinions, i might as well give it to you.

I think the plot seemed interesting, however i think it lacks descriptions( could do with being slightly longer as well.) Apart from that, I think this story has great potential for becoming a great story! Hope to see the next chapter soon~

[cascade88]

Well just read this, Rob, and don't hate me for it xD but I have quite a few grammar problems to point out to you. But I'm only doing it to try to help you improve the story, which does have an interesting start.

First of all, one basic thing is that you should be ending sentences from quotes with commas, not periods, in most cases.

For example: "I like the sunrise." Troy said. is not correct.
"I like the sunrise," Troy said. is.

However, if it were a question, then naturally it'd be:
"Gabrielle, do you like the sunrise?" Troy asked.

Or: "Yes, I love the sunrise!" Gabrielle replied enthusiastically.

Finally, it can sometimes be proper to use a period, but not often. That said, an example of it being okay would be:
"I'm glad we both like the sunset." Troy clasped his hands together before himself as he said this, before glancing over at Gabrielle.

[/end grammar Nazi grammar Lesson]

Now as for the rest, these are just suggestions for changes to certain bits that I think would improve the grammtical flow of it. Again, I swear I'm not trying to pick the story apart, just trying to be of help. ^_^

“Seriously, guys, we should try and find a Pokémon Center to spend the night in. If I take another step, I'm gonna faint.” The boy commented.

“Seriously, guys, we should try and find a Pokémon Center to spend the night in. If I take another step, I'm gonna faint," a boy [add some description, say "a boy wearing a hat", "a boy with dark hair", etc] commented.

"...I need a constant source of light to see the map.”

Maybe instead just say "I need better lighting to see the map".

Ash suggested before he was interrupted.

You could try "Ash suggested, but then he was interrupted." It just seems to flow better that way.

The bit with Brock was really funny, obviously in-character for him fawning over Nurse Joy. d:

Although, regarding this one line:

“I was?” Brock commented on the fact that he knew about William Shakespeare’s work. “I saw that line on a movie…”

You really don't have to have the "on the fact that that he knew about William Shakespeare’s work". It sounds far better with simply "I was?" Brock commented. "I saw that line in a movie..."

“Ash Ketchum? I have a letter for you.” Nurse Joy announced, handing him the letter.

“A letter?” Ash commented while looking at the letter.

^ That is quite easy to do for most authors without even realizing it, the repeating of a same word too many times. The first three are fine, but at the end, it should be changed to "A letter?" Ash commented, while looking at it.

he dialed the number on the letter.

It sounds better as "number from" or "number he had read from the letter".

“Hello?” The man asked.

"Hello?" a man answered. It just sounds better.

“Shep! It’s been a long time.” Ash said to Shep, the man on the phone.

Now, since you had Ash address that it's Shep at the very beginning of the sentence, no need for you to say it a second time. So how about instead: "Shep! It's been a long time," Ash said in reply, to the man on the phone.


Annnd that's all of the suggestions I have. As for an actual review, like I said at the start, I think that it seems to be an interesting idea, and I don't personally recall any stories with Shep in them (certainly not recently) so I give you props for originaility there.

You could, like Justicez suggested, add a bit more description-wise, but then again it's not as if you did terribly with that bit in the first place or anything.

Over all, I would definitely like to read more of this and see where you're going with it, and as long as you work just a bit on the grammar aspects, this story should be good as golden. Either way, good job on the work you've done so far with it, Rob.

[RobSp1derp1g]

*sarcasm mode on* So, you came here to teach me grammar? *sarcasm mode off*

Thanks, Manda. I never realized how these little differences could be so important to the story.