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Soon...
May 21, 2009 11:45:53 GMT 12
Post by RobSp1derp1g on May 21, 2009 11:45:53 GMT 12
Hi, guys.
I'm back with another story. This time, it's an original written (badly) by me, and it tells the story of my last days before winning the lottery (which is this friday, BTW). It will only have 3 chapters, of which the last one is already written. So, review.
Wednesday, May 20th 2009, 12:20 AM
Robert was sitting in front of his computer, his hands swiftly hovering the keyboard; his fingers were rapidly pressing keys as he kept his eyes on the screen, only shifting his gaze to the keyboard when he was looking for the ‘Backspace’ key. On the screen, the words “AdvanceShipping Inc.” could be read, as well as lots of images of a gold-feathered winged creature, and a silver-colored aerial beast. These creatures’ names are Ho-oh and Lugia, respectively.
Several references to something called “You Belong With Me” could also be found on-screen. As he entered all the details into his computer, he took hold of the small Asus-branded mouse and clicked on a button. Immediately, several images of a blonde, curly-haired young woman flashed on the monitor. On the headphones, a melody was playing where a woman said “I’m the one who makes you laugh when you know you’re about to cry”. He listened to the song with great interest, covering his right ear so that the sound coming from the headphones was the only one that could reach his brain.
As the song ended, he moved the mouse towards an icon on his desktop, an icon that looked like a globe with stripes crossing it. The icon’s caption was “Google Earth.” As the application loaded, a 3D image of Earth filled the screen. It was on that image that two smaller pins on the globe, floating above North America. As Robert zoomed in, the state of Tennessee was highlighted and the two pins stayed above the city of Hendersonville, and finally stopped on the easternmost part of the city, hovering two houses with a difference of 5 centimeters between them. As he looked at the image on the screen, he said one single word, but that word would soon change is whole life. “Soon.”
So, what do you think?
This text is a test both to my creativity as well as to the Law of Attraction. Please keep that in mind while reviewing.
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Soon...
May 23, 2009 7:50:00 GMT 12
Post by RobSp1derp1g on May 23, 2009 7:50:00 GMT 12
New chapter
Friday, May 22nd 2009, 2:35 PM
Robert was ready. He knew what he had to do. He had to be synchronized with the Universe, he had to believe what he asked was already his, and he had to know exactly what he wanted. This proved to be hard at the moment. He wanted the money so that he could be with the girl of his dreams. He had been talking on the ‘Net with a friend from Australia, who gave him all the necessary info to go to the USA. As he was unsure, he decided to make some mental exercise.
“You want the money, Roberto. The money. Taylor comes afterwards, when everything is settled. I will make sure of that.” he told himself.
As he was heading towards the newsstand to place his bet, he remembered something about a belief that had been proven true a long time ago. A belief that states: “what goes around, comes around.”
“Karma!” he shouted.
He looked around, in search of any homeless people, which usually were around that area. To his desperation, he found nobody. So he moved on, his mind set on not returning home until he had given something to someone who needed.
He arrived at the newsstand. To his surprise, he was called right away.
“Young man? Do you want to place a bet?” The owner of the newsstand asked him. “Yes, I would. I want this bulletin,” Robert said as he handed the owner his bulletin, “and an automatic bet.” “Here you go. Good luck.” The owner said as he handed Robert the receipts.
As Robert was walking away from the newsstand, something caught his eye. It was a furred plastic item known as “The Magic Firefly.” He remembered he heard that item being advertised on the radio. And he said “All the money from the Firefly’s sales will go to charity…”
His Karma was about to change… for the better.
“Sir? Just one thing, please. The money from the Firefly’s sales will go to charity, right?“ Robert asked. “No,” replied the newsstand’s owner. “it will go to institutions for those with mental disadvantages.”. “Oh, you had me scared there for a moment. Give me one, please. I’m sure Zé Carlos will like it.” Robert said. “He most likely will.” The owner replied. “Oh, but you don’t know Zé Carlos.” Robert said with a laugh. “Farewell.”
His deed was done. But he decided to hang around town for a while. He decided to go to the computer store and check out anything new.
“Well, let’s see… Looks like there’s no new computers, no new games as well, so I’ll check the DVDs.” He claimed. The DVD section was to the immediate right of the music section. He looked at and picked up the box for “Lost: Fourth Season”.
“I will get this, it’s a cool show.” Robert nodded.
As he walked to the left, his eyes stopped when he saw a pink CD case, covered by a glass box, to prevent thefts. The cover read “Hannah Montana: O Filme: Banda Sonora Original” which translates to “Hannah Montana: The Movie: Original Sound Track”.
He wasn’t shocked, but he was unaware that the OST for Hannah Montana’s movie was already for sale. And knowing the Universe as he did, he was sure it was a sign.
Robert thought, “If Miley’s here, then…” He then started looking for a glass box that shielded the image of a blond girl and the word “Fearless”. He looked around Miley’s image and saw what he was looking for. He saw her, on her best, quietly looking at the camera, as if saying “I’m waiting for you.” He knew he could not afford the album right now, and downloading it was out of the question, not because it was illegal, but because it was her. If it was anyone else, he would’ve downloaded it millennia ago, but it was her. He uttered the same word, the one that would change his life. “Soon…”
What do you guys think? New chapter being posted right away.
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Soon...
May 23, 2009 7:54:46 GMT 12
Post by RobSp1derp1g on May 23, 2009 7:54:46 GMT 12
Friday, May 22nd 2009, 9:15 PM
Robert was, once again, sitting at his computer, but this time, something was different. He was excited, yet determined to hide his excitement. As he was visiting a site, his mother called to him.
”Roberto, come watch the draw,” his mother told him.
“On my way.” He replied.
As he arrived on the kitchen, the draw was just starting. A dark-haired woman spun the raffle which contained little balls numbered 1 through 50. As the first number was selected, Robert turned away. The hostess then declared, “The first number is 27.” This made Robert head towards the kitchen again. “What number was picked?” Robert asked his mother. “27” She replied. As if on cue, Robert darted to his room, scaring a resting cat.
“Oh, sorry, Zé Carlos.” He apologized to the cat.
He opened up a drawer, picked up his wallet, and took a look at the bulletin. Sure enough, the number that had been picked was there, on the bulletin. “Could it be?” he said to himself, “could it be that the time for me to become a millionaire has finally come?” “While you’re there having a monologue, another 3 numbers have been picked” His brother said.
He returned to the kitchen and looked at the television screen. The numbers 27, 39, 11 and 38 had already been picked, and all of them were on his bulletin. He was a rich man for sure. How rich? Only time would tell… soon.
He continued to watch the draw with enormous interest; however, his mind was not on the draw of his lucky numbers. His mind was racing through a myriad of things he would do once he got his money; for example, he had his mind set on going to the United States and setting a hypnotherapy business, and, most importantly, he would be able to meet the girl he had fallen in love with, Taylor Alison Swift, a country music singer. He had been looking at houses for sale in the same region of the residence of his beloved.
He was brought back with a finger snap from his brother. “Hello?” he said, “do you have that number?” Robert looked at the screen and the number 40 was there. All of his five numbers were chosen. Now, in order to claim the ultimate prize, he had to wait for the 2 star-numbers.
Tried as he might, he couldn’t control his emotions. He was nervous; his heart was pumping blood at a never-before-seen rate. He kept saying “Is this true?”
His legs failed him, he had to sit down, and he was looking so pale his mother did not pay attention to the rest of the draw.
Luckily, his brother did.
As his mother took care of him, his brother relayed the events of the draw.
“First star-number: 7”
For a while, no sound was heard, until the hostess relayed the final number.
“And the last star-number is 3. Now here is the key: 11, 27, 38, 39 and 40 and the star-numbers 3 and 7. I hope you are the next Euromillionaire.”
Upon hearing those words, Robert immediately stood up with a smile, then a grin, a chuckle, then a full laughter. He was millionaire, and he wanted the world to know it. He shouted at the top of his lungs “Hell yeah, baby.” That was the third happiest moment of his life, for both the second and the first were yet to happen. Soon…
The End
If Taylor wants, I will make a sequel. I don't need to ask you to review, do I?
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Soon...
May 26, 2009 2:49:07 GMT 12
Post by XAOTL on May 26, 2009 2:49:07 GMT 12
Seeing as you are a veteran writer on multiple sites I'll be as through and matter-of-fact as I can.
The beginning focusing upon things such as what's on the pc screen and what brand the mouse is; whilst what is needed is some character description and some knowledge to the personality. That and there isn't much focus on anyone else at all making me think the story wold be the same if you hadn't entered any of the fleeting characters (who had no description to them).
The law of attraction isn't a good base for a story either, as any story should have challenges, or trials, or even one rainy day for the character. Things just falling into his lap isn't what makes for good reading.
Although I'd say this is due to self insertion, and these problems are fairly standard for any one that uses self insertion.
On the other hand Grammar-wise and spelling is perfect from what I've seen.
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